Life's Lectures - The Final Part

This time it was me putting in the miles upon the train, abusing my credit card (again) as I travelled home to Scotland. A family visit was in order given the last few months of rejection and well, rebuilding (theoretically and literally IKEA’s flat pack EVERYTHING). But, I would be lying if I said seeing Aidan wasn’t the foremost agenda.

We had been texting non-stop since he swaggered from my flat that day. Weeks had passed so we had time to cover some pretty deep water – I mean joking around the uncharted ‘ILY’ territory; those three little words that have become loose, misused and utter word-vomit. And, although my head was still a little fuzzy from both the ex and sociopath Sam, I knew it was a bit too much too soon. Sure… I had been fantasizing around Adian’s recent “…think I’ve always loved you” declaration, embellished of course by retro 😛 #sorrynotsorry style emojis, but I had written it off due to what I thought was my comprehension of sarcasm!? Then, he brought it up a few more times, unprovoked. Maybe he was serious this time? Realistically, however, I knew (as before) geography and/or logistics were against us ever forming an actual relationship. BUT – what if it was “meant to be” and the timing was all wrong before? He was now a free man, after all. There was definitely something warm and familiar about that thought.

I was surprised Aidan still wanted to see me given the flash-mob debut of leak-week performing “Muff en Rouge” in the auditorium that was my uterus, (that’s a joke for “I got my period”). Shit!!! Why would he want me to come over and stay the night knowing there would be no sex involved? Unless, he was one of those guys: being from an older generation where they used to cut holes in the sheets and lay the towels down. No-fucking-way was I doing that! Okay, so he wasn’t that old… He made it clear that he wanted to see me, spend time with me, and it wasn’t just about sex. I was a little taken-back by the notion; flattered.

Upon arriving at my parents place my mum was keen to know my itinerary for the weekend. My mum and I had become closer since my days of ranking my hair straighteners higher on the “couldn’t live without…” list. I didn’t want to lie about my intentions, especially not when I could see she was still as worried about me as that day, now three months ago. The day when we threw my essential belongings into the back of her car, giving me just enough time to sob goodbye to my boys (kittens, not children), and slammed the door of what had been my home for the past three years behind me for the last time. It’s okay though, we spotted a half-indulged cheese board to accompany two stained wine glasses by the sink and decided to scrub the floor with its contents before firmly placing it back in the fridge to be further consumed (you’re welcome). Elizabeth, my mother, always made the best from a bad situation and I thank her daily for that. Being dishonest with wee Liz just wasn’t an option.

So… maybe I beat around the bush a little when I told her I was spending the evening with Aidan, “my old friend from college”. Liz knew exactly who Aidan was due to past stories of me crushing on how cool a lec he was. We exchanged a silent glance of: I’m not going to ask – and I’m not going to tell you – and you’re older now so it’s your business… All she asked was if we were seeing each other; “Erm I think so…” [insert shrug] I replied. I could see my dad piecing together my pre-alumna timeline in his head. Crap. Give him five minutes and he will find something to fix – or break something now!

Prior to my slumber party (that appropriate pajamas were not required for, except adequate period panties), I made an impromptu visit to catch up with some of my college girls, funnily enough. We had a lot to catch up on, not including the bombshell of their lecturer Aidan and I. I had never told anyone about our school day rendezvous, well except for my BBF Eden – also a fellow student, who shared her bed with me through-out our college days; and was pretty much the Arian, indie, and cool af. version of me. That was only a year or so before and she was utterly shocked, and then not so shocked recalling my AWOL habits during band practice (when I probably assumed she had a smoke at lunch).

I was having such a fab time with my girls chatting (loudly and over them all), laughing. I didn’t want to leave, but the time came to catch the train to Aidan’s to meet him at his place for 8pm. They were so giddy, reminiscing how good looking and sexy he was, almost as if I had never met the man before – it was fresh to them, I guess? I boarded the train, quietly excited, and about half-way through the 40 minute journey I received a text from Aidan advising me he was running a little late with various bits-and-bobs and could we postpone until 9pm? I didn’t really have a choice.

I got off the train and took the ‘scenic’ route around my old college grounds en route to his, pacing and reviving those sensory memories flagged earlier. It was April so the night was dark and chilly and I tried not to get frustrated pretending I had somewhere to be. Finally, I arrived at his huge quirky flat, – an absolute gem in the gutter – and was immediately impressed by our similar taste for interiors. That was until he said his ex had decorated, so I crushed that thought and the one telling me I was in her house now. Aidan, casually handsome and upbeat, sat me down on his sofa with a drink and told me he needed to shower as he had been training in the gym (the real reason he was running late I assumed).

Forty-fucking minutes later I stared at the floor with an empty glass. What was this man doing – weaving his bikini line!? Then, all of sudden he waved me into the kitchen for a top-up and asked if I wanted anything to eat, so maybe he wasn’t a bad host after all. Aidan then gave me a proper tour of the flat, asking where I wanted to sleep: with him or his daughters room. Hold up.

WTF!?!

I couldn’t decide which option made me more uncomfortable. The thought of sleeping in his daughters bed just didn’t sit well with me at all, however, the thought of him potentially not welcoming me in his own bed (despite him flat out snoring in mines not so long ago), was worse. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable with my menstrual situation after all, with clear intention to rid me from his quarters – a custom still prevalent in Nepal where menstruating women are banished from their homes and into cow sheds to bleed in shame. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t quite the same and he might have thought I was uncomfortable, but it still gave me a sense of unbecoming. I stuck to my preference of his bed, almost to see how he would respond.

We had too much vodka and watched Jackie Brown. Four or maybe five hours had passed and Adian was still talking… He spoke about his family, his training, his diet, his love for eating pussy (I know right!?), his colleagues/friends, and both his exes (now collaborative) pursuits of trying to ruin his life. It was all very interesting, but through simple drunken thought I wondered when it was going to be my turn. Who me? Yeah I’m great, thank you for asking.

We later went to his bedroom (as I pied the other pink room in passing), and everything was rather blurry. However, (I believe) I executed an above average blow-job, purely based on recalling his reaction, (and probably my craving for meat feast pizza post 2am regretting my earlier decision not to eat). I wanted to please him, mostly out of guilt that I couldn’t (wouldn’t) put out.

When I woke the next morning I felt so awkward. Aidan was pottering like an old boy from around 7am I was informed, proactive to the feeling of not wanting me in his bed. There was definitely a vibe between us, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It was apparent text did not translate to real time. I felt like I needed to leave in spite of Aidan being a pleasant host. It felt fake. Considering sex was never itemized on the agenda perhaps I thought there would be more intimacy, ironically. There was no lie-in. No cuddles, no kisses.

That afternoon, out a wander with my mum and my sister, I was stuck in my own world. I steered away from both emotion-radar-equipped women and text Adian; thanking him for last night and asking what he was up to the rest of the weekend. Of course I didn’t actually care for his plans, my objective was purely to prompt a reaction/rationale/reassurance for last nights mediocre feels. He replied with a severe lack of gusto. Okay, maybe it was me being weird? However, his texts seemed short-and-sweet and he reminded me that he had a busy time ahead, although he hadn’t conveyed his plans in response to the aforementioned question. I joked, and flirted trying to lighten the mood and asked again what he was getting up to.

“…visiting a friend for the week..” Aidan responded. In the first one to three minutes I thought: Cool – he’s staying with one of the boys from the gym again, must have a competition… But, minutes four and five I realized it sounded a lot like the very blasé description I had given to my mum the day earlier. I prompted him for more details until it came; “at HERS…”.

Aidan wasn’t my boyfriend, he was simply a post-ex prospect turned potential partner. But him telling me he was travelling and visiting another woman for a week seemed too close to home for me. There was commitment implied. He must have felt like he had to re-iterate that we were not together (correct), and he was always going to see other people – heartfelt as his hollow expression of “always loving me”. I just couldn’t fathom the reality of him enjoying my mouth around his penis one night to the other woman’s probable ignorance the next. Dirty. The transparency had lead me to the real reason why he was not so bothered about the lack of sex, or bed sharing, or a two-way conversation.

I wasn’t shattered by the revelation, I was used to this: deception. I didn’t cry, nor argue – as the basis of his thesis was in fact valid – but I thought we knew each other better than that. I was a ten year back-up investment, cashed in and depreciated in value. I simply pulled back from the conversation, as he had been trying to do the last hour or so. I didn’t want to waste more time naivety had lead me to do so in the first instance.

Aidan said we’d catch up soon. He probably believed that too. I hit delete.