Uh, did we break up? The Foreword moving forward.

It's been five years since my last post - yet a few of you still float by, checking out the goods.

So, I write this half begging for forgiveness after being M.I.A. for so long and half tickling my ego. I guess I lapsed back into another meaningless relationship, where surprise I was dumped again; and thankfully so.

For five years this blog has continued to creep on me like a curly haired stalker and you - you keep calling me out whatever dusty hole I've fallen into. I mean, I've always known that we had unfinished business and, as much as I've tried to break up with my blog due to my:

1. Self-diagnosed Taurus procrastination;

2. plus high-functioning anxiety

3. and Imposter syndrome,

4. minus sporadic bursts of happiness

The universe keeps playing 2016 on loop - right back where it all started... (cue millennial movie music).

Am I forever being taunted by the tales and the trauma of what was (arguably) everyone's best year? Do I need to tell you more? If you ever had a Babyface cassette in 1999 (fuck off, I'm old) then you will know that repeatedly hitting rewind tends to chew the tape. You know the real trauma of trying to put that shit back together again!

So, I read some tea leaves with a vision of sharing more hilarious dating faux pas, although this time realizing that reliving those moments also meant unpacking lessons of love, life and sometimes societal death. Do I want to go back? Do I want to go deep? Previously doing so, all while still in the midst of dating, relationship-ping and generally trying not to share my big cuppa crazy with the next candidate was erm, challenging. Men are very sensitive.

It got awkward at times. I avoided telling new guys that I was writing a "dating" blog, incase they thought they would make the cut. That was their main concern. Not being featured as the villain in "traumatic tales of dating in your 30s", just whether they had won the opportunity to be showcased as the best of a bad bunch. One even said: "I look forward to when you write about me" . Gross. I had to tell him: "Sorry - you're just not that special and this had as much impact on me as that half-in-half-out finger bang you demonstrated earlier, as though my pussy was a coin purse and you were sure there was an extra 20 in there...".

I also worried that I would tempt fate if I continued to moan about any lack of love or rejection - I think people call that "manifesting" now - especially when I wasn't always experiencing that in the moment. I had so many fun experiences and comeback tours in spite of my blog.

And I read somewhere that being "body positive" doesn't mean that you don't have negative thoughts about your body. How is this relevant? Well, it's all part of the parcel is my point: writing about my past experiences or failures doesn't necessarily mean I'll project that on to the positives of my present or future experiences. It also doesn't define me or what I decide to do next.

So, where do I go from here? I have all the tea and broken records, but is that what you want? Will I be mocked for being a serial romantic - I'm embellishing - what I really mean is slutty? Or worse - will people think I'm dumb and perhaps the problem? Well here's the thing, truly we're all someone's worst date, crazy-ex, and maybe even the one that got away? In sharing, I accept that you will judge me and I will be ready for therapy, plus some new rounds of clap-back from someone's distant cousin in Canada (with a UK IP Address).

I'm very tempted to bare all. After all, I very tangibly did that for 10 years in my Burlesque artistry, so it's the same thing - just undressing layers of emotions instead, which I hear people find super easy. What if I told you my dating tales, as well as the juiciest parts of my relation-situationships? Maybe the pieces will come together, or it will be gross and self-indulgent. Aren't blogs in general the most self-indulgent bullshit anyway?

If I tell you everything as my #trueauthenticself, will you actually read it? I've always believed the answer is yes. We all have stories, but mines are a little louder.

With dating and relationships becoming harder to establish, we thrive from watching multiple reality shows centered around people finding love and connection. Romance is dead, but, it's also not. Love is measurable, but it's also not. Sex is sex, but it's also intimacy and communication. We're all trying to access and assess it with checklists right now when practice makes progress and progress breaks patterns #byetraumabond.

When I started writing, I didn't really have a goal other than to vent, tell many stories and entertain. Although part of that still stands, I have more to say beyond transactional Tinder dates and I think you will too.

Be right back.